Dj Wuffy's songbook

Ferret going psychotic

2009-07-26T15:18:58Z

I had great fun for a week now, mostly... I had really fun hanging out with Lupestripe, meeting some friends I see not so often, and saw my brother too for longest time.

But then after Lupe's deprature from Finland, things started going weird and wrong...

My brain is going fuzzy, I do not care about any thing at all... I feel like self centered bastard....

Then at my brother's place, where I had to stay for a while because his son's confirmation, I had my nerves on test by the girls there, and the confirmation at Church made me all weird...

I first want to say, that I'm Wiccan, I do not belong to church, but I had to go because the confirmation...

Well anyways, I was in church, and the music made me feel really weird inside... and when the priest spoke there, I got waves of Rage washing over me every now and then, making me want to burst into tears of rage and angriness and just leave. But I fought back and managed whole service.

After the service, I almost immediately departed to my friend's place little further south from Tampere. And I was so looking forward to it, since we agreed that there'd be just me and him, and we could talk some, but when I arrived, I found out that two other furs still was here,
they both are nice and I like them in general, but I started feeling kind of cheated or you could also describe the feeling as "Like a child feels when he waits christmas really patiently, and just day before christmas eve you tell him that christmas is cancelled."

I have been quiet, depressed, anxious and little angry too, and have withdrawn to mostly be at the balcony area alone, trying to get all the confused feelings away, but I haven't been able to cry since my dad passed away several years ago, and I'm too kind person to go tell the others how I feel right now.

I'm considering about leaving today, even though I arrived today also, or then really early tomorrow, and kind of not telling that I'm leaving...

It's like, every time I wait something to happen really badly, everything starts going wrong. I think, that after next week or so, I'll be shutting myself off from everyone, and just be alone for some time, with phone off, IRC off, and MSN only on, but blocking everyone but few special persons, I want to talk to daily.

I wish I had more courage to tell my friend, how I feel and how dissapointed I am, and I wish that he would undestand how it feels for me.

It's hard to be an empath and suffering from depression...

Spilling my heart

2009-01-01T10:21:47Z

Will the one come to me, because I'm tired to search him? Will happiness stay with me or will it just play it's painful games? Will I ever be able to say that I've got true love, or shall it be just another torturing illusion on the surface of my miserable life. My soul is cracking apart, so be careful, the pieces are now icy as deepest winter and sharp as assassins dagger. - Hiru

First of all, I'm going to list some of my past relationships, as I remember and experienced them, in no parcticular order.

1. Jaakko
Lenght: Month, maybe two.
Who ended: Jaakko
Reason: Misunderstanding and manipulation of friend.
Comments: We really loved each other, and had great times. Only later, after we broke up, I found out he lied to me a lot. His asshole friend manipulated him to believe things that were not true, and wouldn't let me and him alone settle things.

2. Mika
Lenght: Few months.
Who ended: Mika
Reason: I still dont' know the real reason.
Comments: I loved, and still love Mika really much. I wish that we would still be together. Sometimes it was though to be so supporting, but I'm not blaming him. I wish all good for him.

3. Vin
Lenght: About two weeks.
Who ended: Vin
Reason: I don't know if this is the real reason but he said that I'm not his type.
Comments: Ireally dont' have much more to say that I cared and still care for him a lot.

4. Juuso
Lenght: Around two weeks.
Who ended: Juuso
Reason: He says that distance is too great.
Comments: He was really nice guy and I liked him. I think he should work a bit with his self-esteem and self control.

The ghosts of past won't let me go, their icy fingers still hold onto my broken soul. -Hiru

I wonder why I am doomed to not find myself a partner... For me, the looks isn't so important, but the nature of a person...

I also wonder, why so many doesn't understand the term "polyamoria".

Why shouldn't someone be able to love many persons instead just one?

These thoughts are almost all time in my head, and because I cannot understand, it makes me depressed...

I will now tell, who all I really care about, also, meaning al lof them would be very much wanted as my life partners. Though I am not probably going to get anyone from them as partner, because:

They are straight.
They are not interested.
They aren't single.
The distance is too great.

Vin, Mikachu, Mnooze, Muzzy, Lumi, Lupestripe, Winterfuhr, Don from SecondLife, Wolffirefur, aikho, oswaldo, Kheldis, Jaypup, Leomi, Yinwolf, Jariwolf, Lucapaws, CryptoFox, Juuso, Lagg, SlvWolf, Weed-san, Rekaze, Jon, Hysi, Rico, Wolfy, Wilikki, Eyvenroth and many more that I don't recall just now...

This tells that I am easy to please and I care about loads of people..
I hope all of you realise, that I suffer from at least one mental disorder, I might not look like a dream prince, but I still need and want someone beside me, to love, to share and to experience.
I don't want pity, I don't want messages telling "I understand how you feel".

All I want is to have chance to love and to be loved in return..

Home from EF

2007-09-12T18:17:15Z

I'm home from EF.

But once again I'm too lazy to update this properly. I see if I have strenght for that later on.

But I can say it was fun.

Tired, but must go on

2007-05-07T06:21:55Z

I came to school two hours early to edit my graduation work movie. over hour has passed and I have gotten just it cut into scenes and arranged them at right places... I need still to find music, do some pics that I need to embed to the video, some audio work and effect tweaking.

and that is the practical part of it.

Then I need to write the illustrated manuscript and do some explanation about Golden Ratio, Manuscript, directing and stuff. I'm lucky that we can use english wikipedia and translate the text and it counts as our own work.

I think I need to come some another day early here too, or then stay after school...

Just... so stressed out and nobody is there to help me with this.

o.o

2007-04-19T13:45:00Z

I'm here in Oulu, probably I'll be here to Saturday. I hope I get my filming project going, but the actors are not cooperating at the moment.

I'm pretty calm and content now, but last night I was depressed and felt so empty. I'm afraid that feeling will come back eventually.

Main task here is the filming like I said before.

And I should go kick some serious butt to make those actors move and get the movie done and then I'm over with one part of my graduation work again.

Phew.

I miss you my dears who even care about me nowadays:

Weed-san
Eyvenroth

Thank you.....

Mood changes, money

2006-11-29T06:33:32Z

Well... someone of you my friends, might have noticed that I have been quite unstable lately again and now here's some explanation for that:

Money:
I wonder how people nowdays have so much money and I and my family don't.

For example I know this guy... He doesn't work, but he has money to live (pay rent etc.), for fursuit and as far as I know, he also has money to go EF. Where the hell he gets all that money? And why I don't get money to get my own fursuit and money to go to EF...

Then this another guy.
He is student, he has money for living, and also for all kinds of consoles, and also if my info is correct, he has money for EF.
Where the hell HE does get the money, and why I don't get money?

And for last example:
This one guy has at least 5 computers, he orders all kinds of new and cool stuff, and is planning to travel placse and going to EF.
and he doesn't work. Where the hell he gets money and why I don't get money from anywhere?

I'm fed up with this shitty town, my old mom that can't go to work to earn, to the cancer that killed my dad who was our family's main source of money to live.

I can barely afford my own books for school with my monthly student benefits, so I think it's ok to be jealous. I wonder how come their parents are so rich (if that's the case) and why they keep giving them so much money? I want too! I want afford to get Fursuit and to go EF.
That is all I want. Is that too much to ask?

Why I am the one getting all the shit in my life?

Sometimes things like this make me want to just die, sleep away.
Like now.... I feel shitty, I feel like throwing up and I'm jealous and I don't want to be, but I cannot help it. Someone please fix my life. Or take it away, I don't really care anymore...

So far so good.

2006-11-09T12:10:13Z

Well I travelled to Helsinki at 4.11. And It's been fun. When I arrived we had Halloween party and others convienced me to drink so much that I was unable to walk... but before that happened I found myself crawling under bed and being creepy.

Then we have done some shopping and stuff here... I Bought Nintendo DS and Super Princess Peach at Monday, at Tuesday I bought New jacket that cost a fortune, and we went to Chico's to have dinner.

At Wednesday I bought Some souvenirs for friens, a Naruto Woolyhat for myself and also Nintendogs for my DS.

It's been fun. Today I'm planning to make meal for us and we're planning to visit
mzbear later this evening